You're setting boundaries wrong, do this instead
Hello friends!
I wanted to spend a little time today talking about boundaries. It’s a term tossed around a lot but often misunderstood and applied incorrectly.
While I do want to address how to set better boundaries – I also want to acknowledge that we’ve entered an era where therapy-speak and “setting boundaries” is often weaponized. What we sometimes refer to as boundaries is actually just selfishness.
Yes, boundaries are about creating healthy, respectful, trustworthy, and safe relationships but we still need to acknowledge that we have a responsibility to one another.
So let’s first talk about what boundaries are. Boundaries are not rules. They are not demands. They are not ultimatums. Boundaries are about our actions, not other people’s.
Maybe that means not answering your boss’s phone calls after 5pm. Maybe that means not giving your mother a key to your house. Maybe that means leaving a party early to get some rest.
What it doesn’t mean is asking your mother not to arrive at your home unannounced. That is just a request, not a boundary. A boundary is what you will do when she ultimately ignores your request e.g. not answering the door.
What it also doesn’t mean is doing whatever you want just because it serves you. It doesn’t mean refusing to be generous. It doesn’t mean not doing something just because it’s inconvenient or because you don’t want to. Now it doesn’t mean you should do things you don’t want to do but boundaries should serve a purpose.
Boundaries aren’t just about our wants, but about our values and what we need to feel loved and safe.
Boundaries require both communication and enforcement. You must tell your boss that you are not available after 5pm and you must also not respond if the calls after 5pm roll in.
People can’t respect a boundary you never set and people won’t respect boundaries you don’t enforce.
And people who can’t or won’t respect your boundaries probably shouldn’t have much access to you. But of course it’s not that simple. We all have parents. And some relationships almost seem designed to test our boundaries.
Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re someone who struggles with boundaries. Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t very fun. Setting them can be uncomfortable, maintaining them can lead to guilt, and giving in can lead to resentment.
The best place to start setting boundaries is with yourself. Take some time to reflect on your own limitations. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, even financial, and it’s important to have self-awareness on where you are comfortable and where you are not.
These may change between relationships and may even change with time – the nice thing is your boundaries aren’t fixed, you get to decide them, they’re yours.
But in our quest for establishing better boundaries, we still have to remember that a) people are just people and b) sometimes life requires more from us.
I think someone needs to say that it’s okay to want to please people. It’s okay to help people, it’s okay to show up for people, it’s okay to care about other people, it’s even okay to overextend yourself for people; setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish, it’s about not people-pleasing at your own expense.
Boundaries are about self-protection. By all means you should say “no” for whatever the reason may be but it is actually okay to do something just because it makes someone else happy – as long as the cost isn’t your own well-being.
