Hello friends!

I wanted to spend a little time today talking about boundaries. It’s a term tossed around a lot but often misunderstood and applied incorrectly.

While I do want to address how to set better boundaries – I also want to acknowledge that we’ve entered an era where therapy-speak and “setting boundaries” is often weaponized. What we sometimes refer to as boundaries is actually just selfishness.

Yes, boundaries are about creating healthy, respectful, trustworthy, and safe relationships but we still need to acknowledge that we have a responsibility to one another.

So let’s first talk about what boundaries are. Boundaries are not rules. They are not demands. They are not ultimatums. Boundaries are about our actions, not other people’s.

Maybe that means not answering your boss’s phone calls after 5pm. Maybe that means not giving your mother a key to your house. Maybe that means leaving a party early to get some rest.

What it doesn’t mean is asking your mother not to arrive at your home unannounced. That is just a request, not a boundary. A boundary is what you will do when she ultimately ignores your request e.g. not answering the door.

What it also doesn’t mean is doing whatever you want just because it serves you. It doesn’t mean refusing to be generous. It doesn’t mean not doing something just because it’s inconvenient or because you don’t want to. Now it doesn’t mean you should do things you don’t want to do but boundaries should serve a purpose.

Boundaries aren’t just about our wants, but about our values and what we need to feel loved and safe.

Boundaries require both communication and enforcement. You must tell your boss that you are not available after 5pm and you must also not respond if the calls after 5pm roll in.

People can’t respect a boundary you never set and people won’t respect boundaries you don’t enforce.

And people who can’t or won’t respect your boundaries probably shouldn’t have much access to you. But of course it’s not that simple. We all have parents. And some relationships almost seem designed to test our boundaries.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you’re someone who struggles with boundaries. Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t very fun. Setting them can be uncomfortable, maintaining them can lead to guilt, and giving in can lead to resentment.

The best place to start setting boundaries is with yourself. Take some time to reflect on your own limitations. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, even financial, and it’s important to have self-awareness on where you are comfortable and where you are not.

These may change between relationships and may even change with time – the nice thing is your boundaries aren’t fixed, you get to decide them, they’re yours.

But in our quest for establishing better boundaries, we still have to remember that a) people are just people and b) sometimes life requires more from us.

I think someone needs to say that it’s okay to want to please people. It’s okay to help people, it’s okay to show up for people, it’s okay to care about other people, it’s even okay to overextend yourself for people; setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish, it’s about not people-pleasing at your own expense.

Boundaries are about self-protection. By all means you should say “no” for whatever the reason may be but it is actually okay to do something just because it makes someone else happy – as long as the cost isn’t your own well-being.

Community isn’t something that just happens to you, it’s something you build. And when you leave, you leave your community too. Community cannot just be replicated elsewhere. You have to restart, and that process of building community is time-consuming and can be incredibly difficult.

When you’ve built something special the idea of leaving it is painful.

Community doesn’t happen overnight. It’s something that takes years of investment, of dedication, of time, of consistently showing up.

Our communities give us so much. Our strength, our power, our motivation, our meaning, and the support we need during difficult times. There’s no greater power than feeling like you belong somewhere.

In our own quest for growth, often fueled by ambition and individualism, we lose community. We all want community of course, but too many of us are not willing to put in the real work it takes to build one.

The truth is that building community is uncomfortable and inconvenient. It requires a level of selflessness and thinking about others that many people do not have a habit of doing. It is about freely being of service to others, of being an ambassador, and seeing yourself as a piece of something bigger.

And the best part of community is that you get to choose it. You get to help create and build it and maintain it.

While DC is a transient city, it’s a place where people move and immediately find ways to get involved. Building community requires a growth mindset and orientation towards service.

This city is extremely community-oriented and people here show up for each other. That’s harder and harder to find these days and is not something I’m willing to let go of so easily.

If you’re feeling isolated, hopeless, or in need of good spirits, now more than ever is the time to reinvest in your community. Hopefully today’s content helps you get started.